August 22, 2013
I wish we were just stories, you and I, where I can just weave my words and let these memories continue and go on to the direction I sorely need us to be. It was like a little death you know, the day I learned that you were married – the end of my wishful thinking.
In all those years since we’ve been apart, I closed my heart to a chance of loving someone because I thought we can meet again and our love story would continue. But no, you got married. And like a funeral ceremony, I let go of my hopes for you – my heart cried that night but my eyes remained dry. Somehow, I know that I can’t let myself see how hurtful it was. That day, I was just a part of your past, a memory soon to forget. It was sad.
Your marriage, in a way freed me and I looked for a new love with a vengeful spirit. I thought that now that you have forgotten me, I should forget about you – then I met him, the father of my two children.
No, I can’t say that the days, years, spent with him, loving him, making love to him, that you were there. Not really. The truth was that I have buried you so deep that I have forgotten everything about you. There was a time when I could only think about him, feel him, love him – he is, after all the person I am with today.
But when I got married, I got sad; because now, I have closed my doors for you too. Part of me cannot accept this. Part of me mourned for this. And so, all those hopeful dreams about you really are gone, impossible to achieve.
You know, I thought that because I got married too, I can talk to you again. And yeah, for years of not communicating, somehow, we met again. You know, you really went out of your way to open up. You even gave me your number and invited me to your youngest christening. I refuse of course.
I was not a fool Ling. When we talked again, my crazy heart just went on berserk again. And that was only online. You know that I have to wake up 2 am in the morning just to chat with you. I really, really want to be with you, even if we are just friends.
But who am I kidding? I can’t be your friend. I love you so too much to be just your friend.
So, yeah, I decided to not chat with you again. Well, other reason was that my husband noticed it too and there was one time that I fell asleep, you said hello and my husband woke me up and said “Hey, your ex is saying hello.”
I pretended not to care and told him “Just say Hi or whatever, I am so sleepy”, but I was not able to sleep the rest of the night.
That was the last time…
And I guess you noticed it too because you never went online again and yeah, except for a small message last year about a friend’s number, you never contacted me again.
All I can do now is look at you on Facebook. Yeah, I am not a stalker…
And thank you, thank you for not reaching out anymore because the truth is that I doubt if I can hold it all still within. I hate this part of me.
But Ling, I have to keep in mind that you are a lost memory, although a precious one. You are my story and somehow, I made you so good that I can’t let you go. I know that you are not real anymore. And it made me sadder to know those things – glorifying those days of our youth.
This is reality though and I can only keep on living, loving him now. And I do love him. I love him because I can’t have you. And for countless times already, I want to say good bye. But really, I doubt if I can live up to it. My only wish left for us is that I am as precious memory for you as you are for me.
Lots with love,